Jim's back with another alternate look at the week in football
I must admit, I’ve been a little disappointed to see Manchester United’s slight upturn in form this week (if you can class beating Newcastle and Real Sociedad as an upturn in form).
Not because I have the same inbuilt dislike for Manchester United that many fans who grew up in the 90s have, nor because I enjoy watching the opinion of Ole Gunnar Solskjaer yo-yo frantically between “Lucky PE Teacher” and “Football Genius” but because it means Harry Maguire hasn’t had another chance to fire up his cliché machine gun!
Following the Reds disappointing result against West Brom last week the Manchester United captain borrowed a page straight out of the Alan Pardew book of post-match interviews and delivered a bewildering and impressive string of meaningless footballing phrases:
“We have to go again and win the next one and then the next one.”
“We can do more and improve but it’s disappointing”
“Its always a tough place to come”
It was the kind of virtuoso performance that makes you appreciate why the clubs spent £80million on him in the first place.
He also went with the classic…
“You’re not going to come here and create 10 chances against West Brom”
Which maybe he was just trying to sneak under the radar? Mainly because every team who has played against the Baggies at the Hawthorns since the start of November has managed to create MORE than 10 chances against the home team! So, far from it being the insurmountable challenge that Maguire it is in fact as easy as, say, getting a quote from Paul Pogba about a transfer away from the club whilst on international duty… piece of piss mate.
Whilst still very much in the hunt for that much-coveted second place in the Premier League (!!!) it would seem that Ole and co. also have one eye on next season and summer transfer targets.
One such target is West Ham’s jewel in the pie and mash, Declan Rice, who is valued at around £100million (this sounds best if you say it in a Dr Evil style voice by the way).
Reports are that Manchester United are preparing to make what the papers have labelled as “An Insulting Offer” for the Irish/English midfielder.
I’ll be honest, I wasn’t entirely sure what constituted “An Insulting Offer” but assumed it would be something like “Here’s £50million you c*nts, not f*ck off you fat b***ard”… pretty insulting.
It turns out it’s far worse. It included Phil Jones in part exchange. Talk about a low blow.
For West Ham, their scouting network would have been out in full force trying to spot who the next player they were going to nick from Slavia Prague was, as Leicester City faced the Czech outfit. When I say “scouting network” I obviously mean David Sullivan’s son watching the match on a dodgy stream.
Slavia won the game 2-0 but it was former player and West Ham midfielder Tomas Soucek that stole the show joining his former teammates, in full kit, via FaceTime as they celebrated on the pitch!
It’s just a bit weird… it’s like calling your ex-girlfriend from the club toilets to tell her about a girl you’ve just met and how you think you might be able to take you home. Trust me, that doesn’t go down well!
It’s not just summer signings that we’re beginning to daydream about either.
With the end of the season, fast approaching football fans up and down the country are starting to get excited about the prospect of next years kit designs.
We all know that feeling of hope when a club prepares to launch is new season designs? Hope that is all too soon dashed when you realise that someone, somewhere in the marketing department has decided that pink leopard print would really help shift a few extra virtual kit packs in FIFA!
Anyway, Forest Green Rovers have decided to beat the disappointment rush by revealing their new kit that the players will be wearing as they step out against Colchester this weekend… and its made of coffee and recyclable plastic bottles!
The Gloucestershire club has a reputation for being greener than Greta Thunberg on St Patrick’s day and NOW their new shirts are partly made from waste coffee grinds (insert crap joke about grinding out results here).
It’s not as crazy idea as it sounds with Chairman Vince Dale saying:
“We think it’s lighter than the bamboo (the current shirt material), and apparently it breathes better, which is a surprise to me, but there is a performance benefit from minimising plastic because you sweat more and get hotter.”
Actually, sounds like a bloody good idea doesn’t it? In fact, such a good idea that I think Forest Green should run with the concept.
Maybe sign up Starbucks as the shirt sponsor and spell all the names wrong on the back of the shirts just like their baristas do, or maybe even go the whole hog and sign up Diego COSTA to play up front!
Yup. That’s it this week. We’re finishing on a terrible pun.